


Take Me Home (I've Lost Myself)

by MalecAcid



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Ben Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Ben Hargreeves-centric, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, No Incest, POV Ben Hargreeves, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, i continue not knowing how to tag, i wrote this in a fever dream idk i just passed out and when i woke up it existed, idk how to tag this uhh, kind of angsty i guess? Idk nfkfkf, most of it anyways, not canon comoliant, s2 contradicts everything in this fic but dont worry about it, umm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:48:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25853128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MalecAcid/pseuds/MalecAcid
Summary: So, with nothing else to do, Ben drifted. He just didn't expect to be pulled back into where most people go to enjoy their afterlife.~^~Reginald dies and god pulls Ben up to let them talk
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Reginald Hargreeves
Comments: 10
Kudos: 85





	Take Me Home (I've Lost Myself)

**Author's Note:**

> Listen I k n o w this is my second fic in two days and I k n o w that I have to work on my divergent au but have you considered: Ben. 
> 
> I've considered it and I say Ben >>>>>> Divergent au kfkdkfkd 
> 
> I'm working on it I swear I'm just struggling with my motivation for it at the moment but in not abandoning it I promise 🥺🥺
> 
> Anyways I hope that you like this fic!!! 
> 
> ‼️Trigger Warning for mention of drugs and overdose‼
> 
> Okay these notes are getting long but the title is inspired by the song Clean Eyes by SYML 🥺🥺🥺🥺

It's not that Ben had _wanted_ to see his father when he found out that he had died. 

He just sort of… drifted. Klaus had overdosed and was currently passed out at the hospital, with plans to escape to the nearest alleyway and swallow away the death of his abuser as soon as he was discharged. 

So, with nothing else to do, Ben drifted. He just didn't expect to be pulled back into where most people go to enjoy their afterlife.

* * *

When Ben had died, there was no blinding light white that people spoke of. It was actually quite dark in the place he woke up in, the place he assumed was what most people called heaven. 

He had died laying down, and he woke up that way too. He opened his eyes, and above him was a gray sky, parts of it shadowed by the gray leaves on gray trees. 

He stood, and looked at the area around him. He was standing on a gray paved path, leading in both directions to places so far away he couldn't see them. He looked down at himself only to see that he was now gray too, besides the blood dripping from the gaping hole in his stomach that gleamed a bright red against his color-less skin and uniform. 

Ben watched as a small figure began to come down the path towards him, moving forward at a steady pace. As the person came closer, he noticed that not only were they on a bike, they were also the only colored thing in the place. Besides his blood which continued to drip to the floor, similar to when he was alive and dying. 

She came to a stop in front of him, and he squinted at the sight of the preteen girl, complete with a large sun hat and a basket attached to the handlebars of the bike filled with flowers. 

She continued to stare at him for a moment before he finally decided to speak up. "So, aren't you going to say anything? 'Here's your afterlife handbook,' or 'your death was a great loss to the world' or something?"

She tilted her head. "Hm. You're not like most, are you? No groveling for another chance at life?"

"You say that as if I'd want my life back." He said, voice monotone, and she rolled her eyes. 

"That's what they all say at first. You'll learn soon enough."

"What is that supposed to mea-"

"You're not the only one dying you know? I have people to see, so let's just get on with it." 

"… alright?" 

"So, you've got a decision to make here. I suggest that you choose wisely, not that it matters much to me." Ben stayed silent and she continued. "Basically, you can move on to the afterlife, 'go into the light,' as they said down there. Can't tell you what it is though, that's against the rules. But then again, I came up with the rules." 

"Or…?" 

"Or you can be a ghost. As a ghost, you can 'go into the light' at any time. As long as you don't lose your humanity." She looked contemplative as she paused. 

"Lose my humanity?" He asked, an apprehensive tilt to his voice.

"Yup. Not being able to talk to anyone or touch anything gets to a person. Most of the time. It takes less time than you would think, to lose one's humanity. But you have your brother to pester, I suppose."

"You know about Klaus?"

"I know about everything." She snapped. "I can't tell you about the afterlife, but I can tell you about being a ghost. You can't talk to anyone, except your brother of course. You can't touch anything, but you can sit on chairs and lean against tables and walls and such. Takes some getting used to, though. You can also phase through tables, chairs, walls and everything else. That's about it, you'll figure the rest out pretty quickly on your own if that's your choice."

Ben wrung his hands together as he thought to himself. If he was being honest, he always had a fear of the unknown. Whether it stemmed from the fact that he never knew what was going on around him his whole life or the fact that he had beings inside of him, a part of him, that he knew absolutely nothing about, it didn't matter. He didn't know which it was, if not both, and he didn't want to think about it, either. 

He didn't know what would happen, if he went into the light. But he had an idea of what would happen if he went back to the land of the living as a ghost. And if he could go into the light any time he wanted, why shouldn't he give this ghost thing a shot?

"I think… I think I'm going to go for being a ghost." She sighed and crossed her arms in response. 

"Not even the threat of losing your humanity could deter you. Very well, I'm sure I will see you again eventually." She moved her arms from where they were crossed against her chest, moving her hand in front of her, but before she could do much else, Ben stopped her. 

"Wait!" She huffed, and brought her hand back down from where it was raised, watching him as he continued to speak. "Can I get some different clothes? And a different… body?" 

She sighed. "More work for me, but since you asked…" She brought her hand up to snap, and he looked down to see that suddenly the hole in his stomach was gone, blood was no longer dripping down his uniform that had been replaced by a pair of dark jeans, a black hoodie and complete with a leather jacket. He looked back up to her and nodded, and she snapped again as he closed his eyes.

* * *

When he opened them once again, he was sitting on the grass of the courtyard of the academy. He looked around to see his siblings in black clothing with black umbrellas, surrounding what he assumed to be his coffin. He shuddered at the thought. 

Standing, he walked towards the group, and Klaus turned his head to watch as he walked forward, but before Ben could even form a smile, Klaus' scream at the sight of him filled his ears.

* * *

It was normal for Ben to drift when Klaus was doing something he didn't necessarily want to be a part of. 

He would drift when Klaus was asleep and not particularly in any danger, when Klaus stayed with someone that he wanted to be alone with, when he would stick himself with a needle, when he talked to one of their much less unpleasant siblings, and the like. 

But when he would drift… it was almost as if he went unconscious. He wouldn't remember anything from when he drifted, he only knew that when he came back, Klaus said that he had left, even if he had never physically walked away in the first place.

He never went back to the place he did when he died. Never saw the version of god no one could've predicted again. 

Or, at least, he didn't, until the night that old father dearest finally kicked the bucket.

* * *

Ben never liked hospitals. The rooms were too bright, the presence of death too pressing. So he went outside after Klaus finally passed out and sat cross legged on the bench closest to the front door. 

He closed his eyes, leaned fully against the bench, and allowed himself to drift. 

Once again, he just didn't expect that he would be pulled from his peaceful state and be thrown back into the gray paved path that he would never forget. Not even after thirteen years. 

When he opened his eyes and saw the gray sky, he immediately groaned, moving to stand and wait for the preteen girl that he knew would come. 

She came down the path quicker than she had before, and not unlike last time, he was the first to speak. 

"So, I've spent too much time as a ghost? Is it my time to finally go into the light? I thought you said we had a choice-"

"I thought that you were one of the ones that didn't grovel?" He glared, but she continued on without taking notice. "You've been… requested."

"Requested." He scoffed. "By who-" He cut himself off. "Oh. Nope. Yeah, nope. I'm good. Great, actually. Yup, no thanks."

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, that's really not how it works. You can't leave until you talk to him, it's how the afterlife works and all."

He raised an eyebrow. "I thought that you couldn't tell me that."

She shrugged. "Rules change. Now go, he's waiting for you." She pointed down the path behind him, and he sighed, turning his back to her and beginning to walk in the direction that the path led. Better to get it over with, he supposed. 

He only walked for a minute or so when a building seemed to almost materialize at the end of the path. His pace seemed to immediately slow at the sight, but he continued on anyways. 

He stopped when he reached the building, squinting at the sight of a barber shop before resting his hand on the door handle, gripping it tightly before swinging it open quickly, only to see that the room was empty.

Walking inside cautiously, Ben surveyed the area before moving to sit in one of the chairs, back tense against the surface he could actually feel. 

He sat for only a second before he heard footsteps walk quickly up to him, tensing even further as he saw his father's reflection in the mirror across from him, never meeting his eyes.

Reginald moved his hand to reach over Ben's shoulder, and out of habit Ben flinched so violently that the chair he was in shook. Reginald only huffed an annoyed sigh and placed the spray bottle that he was holding onto the counter across from Ben, withdrawing his hand slower than before. Almost as if he cared. 

Ben pushed that thought away quickly. His father never cared about him, and he never would. He was requested to be here for one reason, and that was because Reginald wanted something from him. 

He was a tool in an experiment. A broken tool, but a tool all the same. Nothing but a piece in his father's game. Not his own person, but a part of a group that belonged to a person. He knew this, and yet the thought hadn't been fully cemented in his brain. 

Maybe that was the side effect of dying at such a young age, Ben thought. He aged, but maybe his brain stopped developing. Maybe he could take in and remember things, but not fully process them. He wondered if any of his siblings had fully accepted that they would never truly get love from their father, if not all of them. He wondered if it was only him that was still stuck in the past. 

"So." Reginald started after several beats of silence. "Aren't you going to speak?" 

Ben rolled his eyes. "You're the one who wanted me here. What do you want." He said harshly and mentally smacked the side of his brain that immediately told him to apologize. 

Reginald picked the scissors up from the counter and swiftly brought them to Ben's hair. He flinched away from the scissors at first, but allowed his father to cut at his hair after he gave Ben an exasperated sigh. He never relaxed against the back of the leather seat as Reginald spoke. 

"Tension is a sign of weakness." He said as he clipped at his hair. "It shows the enemy that you are vulnerable." 

"So is that what you are? The enemy." The scissors clipped loudly near his ear, and he squeezed his eyes shut tightly as he attempted to conceal his flinch. 

"Number Six." He began harshly after a beat of silence. "It is imperative that you listen to me."

"Yeah?" Ben asked incredulously, spinning the seat around to face his father, the scissors Reginald held cutting him in the process. The pain that he felt for the first time in thirteen years barely registered. "And what could you possibly have to tell me."

"Your potential-"

"Was wasted? Sorry to break it to you dad but my possible potential ended the day I died." He spun back around to face the mirror, eyes downcast. 

"That wouldn't have happened if you had-"

"Had what?" He cut him off again. "Had better trained the power I never wanted? The power that tore me apart in the end? I think we all know who is at fault here." 

Reginald sighed and moved forward to continue cutting away at Ben's hair. "You children like to blame everything on me. You all know it's your own incompetence that is to blame."

"To blame for what? Your abusive tendencies." Ben laughed humorlessly, ignoring the exasperated sigh from behind him. 

"I was trying to prepare you. The world will soon need the umbrella academy at full force."

"For what?" Reginald stayed silent, and Ben sighed. "If you're not going to tell me anything, then why am I here." 

Reginald dropped his arms to his sides and let the scissors fall to the floor with a clang. "You need to-"

"Need to do what? I can't _do_ anything. I'm just as dead as you." 

Reginald huffed and stepped away from the chair. "Number Six. It is important that you _listen_ here. Your insolence is unacceptable. Lives are at stake, billions of them." 

"Oh yeah? Why should I believe you." Reginald stepped forward into his space, and Ben leaned as far back as possible, head hitting the headrest. 

"Because your one tie to the living world will die along with the other seven billion people on the planet." He stepped away as Ben stared at him in disbelief. 

"You need to go to the academy. For the funeral." 

"You say that as if I could even begin to convince Klaus to go." Ben crossed his arms, questioning why he was even listening to Reginald in the first place, unable to come up with a valid answer. 

"Number Four will go when offered with something he doesn't have." 

"What does that even mean?" 

"You have to go now. The lives of seven billion people are in your hands." He spoke quickly and then turned away, disappearing to wherever he was when Ben had first entered the shop. 

"No! What's going to happen?" He called out, staring at the place where Reginald disappeared before the image of the barber shop around him began to flicker in and out of focus. He squeezed his eyes shut at the blinking scenery and waited. 

* * *

When he finally felt something shift from around him, he opened his eyes to see that he was back in front of the hospital, sitting on a bench that he couldn't feel. 

He sighed at the loss of touch before standing from the bench and walking inside the hospital, phasing through the front doors with a shiver. 

He looked at the clock above the door and quickly noted that only a few minutes had passed before rushing towards Klaus' hospital room, going inside to see him awake, sitting up on the bed and looking around the room tiredly. 

When he saw Ben, he immediately spoke, voice cracking loudly. "Benny! Where have you been?" His sentence ended with a yawn, and Ben shook his head at him, a small smile on his face as he forgot about his travel back to the afterlife for a moment. 

"So?" Klaus questioned, looking more awake than before, wrapping his arms around himself as he shivered and looked around the room warily, waiting for the inevitable ghosts to pop up. This was a hospital, after all. 

"I think we should go to dad's funeral." Ben mumbled out quickly, and Klaus gave him an incredulous look.

"You really think I want to see them? After… three years? Yeah… I think it's been three years."

"It's been four."

"Not the point!" He hissed. "Why this sudden change of mind anyways." 

"I mean… I'm assuming you're going to need some money after this hospital visit? I'm sure the old man's got something we could pawn." Ben twisted his hands together behind his back, hoping that this would work. 

At Klaus' grin, he let out a small relieved sigh. "I like the way you think Benito. We'll head up to the academy as soon as I get out of this shithole." A nurse decided to walk in halfway through Klaus' sentence, and Ben winced at the harsh glare she sent to Klaus, who only shrugged in response. 

Ben shook his head, and moved to sit in the unoccupied chair, attempting not to think about the way his father looked genuinely concerned about whatever was going to happen. Trying not to think about what that could mean. And failing.

**Author's Note:**

> Aaa I hope you liked it 🥺🥺🥺


End file.
